How to stay in your power around abusive and controlling people

Everyone has toxic people in their life. This is nothing new. There were times in my own life where I did not understand just how much of a mental and emotional drain it was to have certain people around. I’ve begun to understand that the more you love your life and yourself, the more you start to see how awful people treat you and how you just can’t take it anymore. I think the reason for this is because we have finally started to treat ourselves good and so our standards have raised. We now know what it feels like to be treated well and so it’s easier to see who is not treating us so well. Sometimes the toxic people in our lives aren’t just toxic. They are also abusive and controlling. They can be our own family members, friends, parents, lovers. This is where it gets extremely difficult. How do you cut out people who are so close to you? Who you love? You can’t understand how or why they would treat you this way. I’ve found that the answer to create peace is BOUNDARIES. Either cut them out completely or do it one step at a time. Because you need space. Time without them. Time to breathe and think for yourself. To come up with solutions and to understand why your soul is so bothered by them. You need freedom.

Toxic and codependent people are unhealed, unaware, and they don’t like space. They want to be as close to you as possible because not being near you, means they have to be alone with themselves. Something they are not able to handle at this point in their life. At least this is how I understand it. These people may get upset once space is applied or boundaries are set in motion, and this is when things become extremely difficult. Not only do you have a person who can be negative, abusive, and rude but now you have someone who is disregarding your boundaries. Probably throwing temper tantrums and trying to take your power away. It’s easy in cases like these to feel like you have no control of your life. It’s even easier to feel like your feelings and actions aren’t accepted.. and then the fear creeps in. You start to feel like this person has all the control and power over you. You doubt your decisions. You doubt if there’s something better than what you’re experiencing.

A lot of people stay in these situations without creating boundaries, speaking their mind, and being the free soul they are meant to be. I have been one of them. We probably all have. There will always be unhealed people who are angry. Sometimes I don’t think these people understand the damage they create for themselves. The pain they cause for others. But I do not have empathy for it. I understand it, but I no longer fall into the category of someone believing that a reason is an excuse. Toxic people have every opportunity to change, heal, grow and ascend from their current reality. They choose not to. And in my eyes, until they make a choice to better themselves, I will not respect them or desire to be around them.

I have personally found the way to keep my power is to not give them any focus in my life. I used to sit and make myself angry thinking about all of the things toxic people have done to me. Really get myself in a mood. I would allow it to hold me back simply because I was spending hours, days focused on how angry I was at this person and trying to rack my brain with why or how they could do this. I would worry about what would happen if I set boundaries. If I stepped on all the eggshells they were spreading out around me. Until I realized that I did not care about those eggshells. I did not care about how this person would feel if I set a boundary. I cared more about me. I had to take control of my life. So I stopped thinking about it so much. I put my focus on things that made me happy. On things that made my life worth while. And in doing so, I broke free of the mental imprisonment I had once placed myself in. I was finally free. It didn’t take never seeing this person again, or cutting them out completely. It didn’t take revenge or anger, all it took was changing my focus. Realizing my true power. I am the creator of my life and I will be damned if I allow any individual to ever take up that much space of my mind.

Published by shaunablogs78

Change your perspective, be bright, be powerful

38 thoughts on “How to stay in your power around abusive and controlling people

    1. Very true. It is so important to find freedom and to reclaim our lives by not letting these people take our focus away!!! I do love how we are always on the same path. Thank God I have someone to go through all this stuff with πŸ˜‰

      Liked by 1 person

  1. Reblogged this on Ideas and Advice for How To Live a Joyful and Empowered Life. and commented:
    My daughter has just started her blog and this is her first post! I’m so excited for her new adventure in blogging. I know she’s going to love it. She’s always been very good at writing. In her school years, multiple teachers advised to to ‘keep on writing’.

    We often go through the same life lessons at the same time. I’m not sure if this is because we are close, or the universe wants us to learn together and help each other learn the lessons, or other reasons like family dynamics. This is her take on dealing with toxic abusive people, which I’ve been writing about sporadically since this blog started.

    Thank-you for taking the time to read her first article!

    ~ Monica

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Good morning Shauna, I took a few minutes to read this post and your about page. I liked this post for a few reasons. You clearly understand the danger of toxic people, you recognize everyone has toxic people in their lives, and you know from personal experience the steps necessary to protect from that toxicity.
    I should share that I have been a Toastmaster since 2006, When people do a role in a meeting, it is evaluated and the evaluator gives β€œgifts” not criticisms – this is the evaluator’s opinion to the whole club what the person did and what they might consider to improve. It is an important lesson to learn how to give and receive gifts.
    My gift to you would be to include storytelling to inspire and educate in your blogs, in my opinion it would help you to connect to your reader. I also suggest more breaks in your paragraphs, which are like pauses or breathes when you are speaking.
    When I read your post, I liked your personal voice which connected with me and as a result I read carefully (listened).
    Socrates 2300 years ago talked about rhetoric – three essentials or pillars – Ethos Pathos Logos. These are important to consider if you decide to do a Ted Talk or use your knowledge to educate and inspire. Sincerely, best wishes – David


    1. Thanks for the feedback, David. I can agree that I need more breaks in my paragraphs. I appreciate the other feedback as well. I always add my voice and experiences into everything I write. It is how we all learn and share with each other. My writing techniques may be different than yours, but I enjoy to write the way I do. I let it flow. 😊

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I like how you said that, I watch amazing storytellers and speakers and I can learn from them but I have to be myself.
        Oscar Wilde said – Be yourself, everyone else is already taken.

        Liked by 1 person

      2. Exactly my friend. But i do agree, there is always something to learn from someone else and I do vert much appreciate your feedback πŸ™‚ I am going to apply the breakages in paragraphs. Thank you!!

        Liked by 1 person

  3. I am basically a calm and quiet introvert, but such trolls or negative people initially made me lose my temper (they still do). However, nowadays, I just listen to and ignore such people. Setting boundaries and filters in your own brain makes you see things or hear things you want to hear. Negative people can keep their negativity to themselves – their opinions are never correct and are worth rejecting.
    I liked your point on “taking control of your own life”. That’s what I do, irrespective of the satisfaction levels of negative people or trolls.
    Good and relatable post Madam.. 😊😊 Thank you for sharing.. 😊

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Why thank you so much. πŸ™‚ They have definitely made me lose my temper as well, which is how I’ve learned these lessons of setting boundaries. I would sit in anger all day lop and then lose sight of the things that made me happy. Thank you for reading and taking time to comment. Was very happy to read it πŸ™‚

      Liked by 1 person

      1. You are welcome Madam.. 😊 Thank you for your reply and for sharing this post.. 😊
        Well, I never sat and sulked in such situations. I would have given such people a piece of my mind to let them know that their opinions are just garbage. Worked everytime. But that didn’t usually help me quit thinking about those. As you rightly said, setting boundaries and filters help in a better way.. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

      2. I tried the path of telling toxic people a piece of my mind, and that did not work either. πŸ˜…I regretted it for years actually. I do not want to be a mean person, just because they are mean to me is what I learned. But I do agree with you that it is so important to stick up for ourselves and that’s what I’ve been able to accomplish by setting boundaries πŸ™‚ Gives me all the control πŸ˜‰

        Liked by 1 person

      3. Precisely Madam. The crux of the story is that an individual must control his / her own life. Period. Do that either by losing your temper (short term gain, possibly not a long term solution), or set your personal boundaries and filters. Being mean towards a negative person doesn’t make you mean, but being mean unnecessarily to other people does.

        Liked by 1 person

      4. In my opinion, I think it is unnecessary to be mean to toxic people. I have been able to set firm boundaries, nicely. Standing up for yourself does not necessarily mean you have to be rude. But at one point in my life, I was not able to accomplish this. I’ve released a lot of my anger, though, which has helped a lot. You are SO right! We have to take control of our own life… If everyone did that imagine how much better life would be lol

        Liked by 1 person

      5. Thank you Madam.. 😊 Wish you too a great day and weekend..!!
        I invite you to visit my blog.. 😊 It would be great if you could share your feedback, suggestions, thoughts or comments as well. Maybe I could learn from them.. 😊

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Welcome to WordPress!
    This was a really good post.
    I have brooded for days as well because of some negative comments. I do agree with you that one very effective way to keep your joy is to cut off negative people. However, even better than cutting people off is being self aware and strong. It is getting to a point where you receive even the most bitter of comments with a smile because you know that the commentator comments out of his/her ignorance or limited mindset. You may not be able to prevent people from using abusive words on you, or treating you badly, but you have the power to choose how these make you feel.
    Great post once again.
    I enjoyed.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you so much for your comment and taking the time to read it. I completely agree… We give our power and parts of ourself away when we decided to let other people affect us. I have learned to just smile at it as well πŸ˜‰ so helpful lol that’s true growth ❀

      Liked by 1 person

  5. Nice read, Shauna. Really nice.
    Your mother’s writings have been familiar for a while now, and I’m thrilled to learn her talent is genetic, and that you’re preparing a double-dose of the magic.
    Getting back to your message, specifically, what better a time than “enforced isolation” to weigh our various interactions, and jettison those that exact a toll? Perfect time for a fresh start. Spring cleaning and all.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Yes, I totally agree with you. It is a great time in the world to assess and figure out who could possibly be bringing us down!

      I definitely get it from my Mom! She is a very inspiring lady πŸ™‚

      Thank you for the feedback !

      Liked by 1 person

  6. Hello hello! Your mom (Mrs. Bubblebath as I like to call her) introduced me to your blog… and I’m glad she did! I’ve also just started blogging after friends and family applauded my writing and suggested I do this. There’s a flood of brilliant and wonderful writers in this community and I wish you the best of luck on this journey πŸ™‚

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you so much πŸ™‚ I will be taking a loot at your blog posts. I wish you the best of luck too. If it’s something you love I think it is always with pursuing, which is why I HAD to start this blog ❀

      Liked by 1 person

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